


Constant tiredness

by Yellowhouse1890



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Crying, Gen, Genderless, Hurt No Comfort, Loneliness, Tears, Unrequited Love, feeling stuck in a loop, for an unspecified character, i love them, sorry if it kind of sucks, this is just me projecting on kenma, tiredness, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26781286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yellowhouse1890/pseuds/Yellowhouse1890
Summary: They just feel empty. Things don't touch them anymore. Everything is pointless anyway, so why do others care so much ?
Kudos: 1





	Constant tiredness

**Author's Note:**

> I'm projecting on kenma because i love them. If there are mistakes in this I'm sorry, I didn't really reread it. English is not my first language, apologies for vocabulary or grammar errors.

The world disappears when boredom settles in. Voices mix together, noises become so confounded in each other that they just end up being part of the background. It doesn't matter if what comes out of those short moments is bad. It's not important if the results are not as good as what they were expecting. The goal is only to move. Keep on writing, aligning words one after the other. Even if there's no real purpose, and the ending result is definitely not the most important thing. Sometimes, inspiration goes along, it arrives in the start and stays for a bit, whispering sentences and rhymes in their ear. Other times, it leaves in the middle of the process. And things are left unfinished. They always feel bad about those ones. When they look at all the uncompleted stories in their notepad, they feel useless. Like they just did this for nothing, like they're just going to do the same things over and over again until they die and everyone is just going to forget about them. Call them dramatic, but they can't stop feeling that way. And autumn definitely doesn't help their mood to be better. Each time their eyes fall on a leave, abandoned on the floor, the process starts all over again. Which is a paradox because their ideas are always sharper and more developed. So they wait impatiently each year for those few months when the weather paints the sky grey and makes everything feels foggy and slow. Because, really, the only times they ever feel useful is when they're able to finish what they started writing. (but it's the right feeling to have, not like anyone needs them or likes them for anything else)

Sometimes, they don't exist. They're present, aware of their body. Of their mind. And of others around them. But those are things they know. Facts. If they go into perception, it's another story entirely. It feels like they're completely detached from their environment. They like to think it's how leaves on the verge of falling off a branch fee feel like. For a short while, they're still part of the ensemble. But sooner or later, they'll disappear. This whole thing will be over. It's not even loneliness, because they're surrounded by people. But at the same time it's a deep bone feeling of no one knowing them. Of always fearing about what others think of them and always being on edge around others. And it becomes so exhausting that they prefer being in silence and tranquility even when sometimes they crave contact and warmth. They never act upon it. It's fine. There is a sort of chain between them and everyone. And a link in this chain was taken out, leaving them drifting away from everyone, without them noticing. Sometimes, the perspective of finishing their life alone and without any company almost feels comforting. No expectations, no one to pressure them or judge them. But most of the time it just feels like an already decided end to their life. No matter what happens, how happy or sad they are, they just don't have reactions anymore. Even when they force a smile on their face, even when they cry. It's just a walk through a constant fog. Dulling down anything that comes their way. At this point, the leave has already fallen. It's being stepped on, ripped apart and soaked in water. Until it's so unrecognizable from the start that no one stops to bother looking at it. It's just there.

And so, while their mood plummets and everyday life becomes more and more dull, people around them just offer praises. When the feeling of being stuck in a loop, of doing the same things over and over, never changing anything and just keep going because even if they stop and talk to someone it's not like anyone will understand, they will just be seen has craving attention and god that's the last thing they want, more attention directed towards them. They're already hyper aware of every little glance people are throwing towards them, every laugh that resonates after they passed a group of people has to be directed at them because why wouldn't it be. And they just can't stop comparing themselves to everyone else. When he has any interaction with another person, he's obviously going to leave. Because you're too boring, too ugly, you don't have anything exciting about you, and he knows so many persons that would just fit and look better with him than they would. When they're both standing next to each other it's painfully obvious that people are wondering why he's hanging out with you of everyone he knows. And it's so hard to pretend like they don't know why he decided to reject them. Because what were they waiting for realistically ? Them, the good at only one thing, in the middle of a group of more interesting people, just so plain and boring no one ever looked at them with anything other than disinterest in their eyes. Them, who were just destined to end up alone and stuck in the same place the rest of their lives. Them, who managed to be overbearing and too present, imposing their presence without being asked but too little at the same time, barely managing to keep conversation going. Why would he have chosen them over any other person ? 

And now, sometimes, they just felt empty. There was a path all destined for them but they just didn't feel like it was right but what other choice did they have ? And so, kept going through the motion even if it killed them inside slowly. They just want to lay down on their bed and stare at the sky. Watch the clouds move slowly and wishing they could just be as empty of thoughts and feeling as them. Just drifting and not having to do anything but discover new territories every new day. Sometimes, but they're never really sure of why, they cry. It's silent. Tears just slide down slowly on their cheeks and they don't even know what started it. They're not sad. They haven't been in a long time. There's just a deep melancholy and tiredness settling on their back, day after day. But in those moments of loneliness and silence, they know that something is wrong. That they need to get out or they will really suffocate and die here in this little space. And that's the most unbearable thought that can cross their mind. Nothing feels right. Everything changes in a matter of seconds and no matter what they do, they'll never be happy. How do people around them manage to exist without constantly feeling the same kind of existential dread as they do. How people go through every waking moment without wanting to shatter the routine that they're all trapped in and just leave everything behind. How they never feel like a weight is growing on their hearths and preventing them from ever feeling anything again. When they go online, it's just a repeat of reality. People are happy with their lives and what they have. And they just want to know how ? How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How? What's the secret ? What did they sacrifice to forget about how hopeless everything is ? They wish they knew.


End file.
